The Ups and Downs of My Life All Wrapped Up in a Crazy Week
The past week has been really crazy. Where do I start? How about last Wed, July 21...
Wed:
The 2nd Annual Hemingway Pub Crawl!
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools."
Basically the people I work with decided to get trashed and do a bar tour. So of course being the drunk I am I went! And I dragged Nick with me. We had a blast and I got plastered. However, I only paid for my drinks for half the night. I talked a guy named "Bond" to pay for my drinks the rest of the night. (yes his name was really "Bond, as in James." I haven't changed this name because it cracked me the hell up.) Then he got mad that I didn't want to go home with him. Huh, who would have thought?? I ended up getting so drunk that Nick had to drag my ass home. Literally, I was really bad.
Thurs: Did I mention I had to be at class by 9:00am to give a presentation? Yeah. I barely made it. It was bad.
Fri: I treated Nick to dinner because he was such a good friend to take care of my drunk ass. Then we watched Along Came Polly and Debbie Does Dallas. (Yes, I own Debbie Does Dallas. I went on a search for it last summer. I watch it with friends and we get a good chuckle ) Hehe.
Later, sitting on my porch a drunk guy came up with a ferret and asked us if we lost it. None of us had. His friend then came along and said "Dude, I made three sales while you were gone." I confiscated the ferret. He followed me around my apartment and then spent the night in my bathroom. I would have kept him if I knew where I was going to be in a month. He was really cute.
Sat: Took the ferret to the Central PA Ferret Rescue Association. Seriously. It is an actual group. Who knew?
That night was hanging out with Krishen and Nick when I finally was able to get a hold of Brian. I was going to pay him a visit this weekend (we are trying the friend thing at the moment) but I couldn't reach him for a week. When I finally did, I found out that he is seeing someone. So I hung up, quickly. I was sick. ( Krishen and Nick felt bad for me and tried to cheer me up, but to no avail.) It was a bad night.
I told a friend about all of this and she told me that when she found out her ex was dating someone else she threw up for 4 days. Yeah, I know how she felt. I thought I had prepared myself for this and was ready... Yeah, I totally wasn't.
Sun: A Bi-sexual friend felt bad for me so she took me to "Rainbow night" at a local club. Hanging out with lesbians always makes me feel better (I'm a fag hag). They even bought me an "Injection" from the hot, half naked bartender. Telling me, "Let's get the straight girl some dick!" Let me explain an "Injection." The bartender, who was possibly one of the most gorgeous men I have ever seen in my life, had me sit in a chair and then straddled me with his crotch right between my boobs. He then gave me the injection, which was a jell-o shot in a large plastic syringe. After I swallowed it he put a trail of whipped cream from his naval up his hot ripped chest. Then I licked it off. I almost came right there. The whole time the lesbians cheered. It was brilliant. And it made me feel better. At least a little bit.
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools."
Basically the people I work with decided to get trashed and do a bar tour. So of course being the drunk I am I went! And I dragged Nick with me. We had a blast and I got plastered. However, I only paid for my drinks for half the night. I talked a guy named "Bond" to pay for my drinks the rest of the night. (yes his name was really "Bond, as in James." I haven't changed this name because it cracked me the hell up.) Then he got mad that I didn't want to go home with him. Huh, who would have thought?? I ended up getting so drunk that Nick had to drag my ass home. Literally, I was really bad.
Thurs: Did I mention I had to be at class by 9:00am to give a presentation? Yeah. I barely made it. It was bad.
Fri: I treated Nick to dinner because he was such a good friend to take care of my drunk ass. Then we watched Along Came Polly and Debbie Does Dallas. (Yes, I own Debbie Does Dallas. I went on a search for it last summer. I watch it with friends and we get a good chuckle ) Hehe.
Later, sitting on my porch a drunk guy came up with a ferret and asked us if we lost it. None of us had. His friend then came along and said "Dude, I made three sales while you were gone." I confiscated the ferret. He followed me around my apartment and then spent the night in my bathroom. I would have kept him if I knew where I was going to be in a month. He was really cute.
Sat: Took the ferret to the Central PA Ferret Rescue Association. Seriously. It is an actual group. Who knew?
That night was hanging out with Krishen and Nick when I finally was able to get a hold of Brian. I was going to pay him a visit this weekend (we are trying the friend thing at the moment) but I couldn't reach him for a week. When I finally did, I found out that he is seeing someone. So I hung up, quickly. I was sick. ( Krishen and Nick felt bad for me and tried to cheer me up, but to no avail.) It was a bad night.
I told a friend about all of this and she told me that when she found out her ex was dating someone else she threw up for 4 days. Yeah, I know how she felt. I thought I had prepared myself for this and was ready... Yeah, I totally wasn't.
Sun: A Bi-sexual friend felt bad for me so she took me to "Rainbow night" at a local club. Hanging out with lesbians always makes me feel better (I'm a fag hag). They even bought me an "Injection" from the hot, half naked bartender. Telling me, "Let's get the straight girl some dick!" Let me explain an "Injection." The bartender, who was possibly one of the most gorgeous men I have ever seen in my life, had me sit in a chair and then straddled me with his crotch right between my boobs. He then gave me the injection, which was a jell-o shot in a large plastic syringe. After I swallowed it he put a trail of whipped cream from his naval up his hot ripped chest. Then I licked it off. I almost came right there. The whole time the lesbians cheered. It was brilliant. And it made me feel better. At least a little bit.
Mon: I found out that Brian's new chick is a FUCKING STRIPPER!!! Yeah, that killed all the hard work that the lesbians put in to make me feel better. I have been moping ever since. (He told me though that he is breaking it off. They have nothing in common. What??? A stripper and a bank manager have nothing in common???? Shocker!!!) Fucking shoot me in the head.
Moral of the story:
"Men can't live with them, can't bury them in a shallow grave without ruining your nails."
Ain't that the truth.
Tues (today): Moped about and skipped my first class. I was not ready to take on a pissed off Mother Nature and her rain storm. Later in the day I decided to try. Mother Nature kicked my ass. Fucking Bitch.
So now I am home. Wet, pissed off, and a little sad.
2 Comments:
Heidi, I love you!!!!
~ danielle
Danielle's I love you is sweet...
Especially since I uh...I bet you were bummed out...Now, I must admit, I have rode my Harley Davidson and sat outside of the "Pink Lizard" in Harrisburg looking to "befriend" a nice bi-sexual girl...and honestly GOD did punish me in two ways...One...the most horrifying thing at the same time comical thing to witness is a guy dressed in drag...they are way over dramatic...like Jeff Foxworthy's "you want to see naked women...ok, buster whammo I saw my grandmother"ugghhh....Ok I also admit I am a Bullscricker, Hick, but that doesn't mean I am a racist, it just means I like country music and I am simple...
the second thing, was just before I went over an ex girlfriends house.....I was sitting outside of the pink lizard...I felt like I was seeing something that I really shouldn't have been...It's kind of hard to explain but it's like I was able to see people with their guard down some place where they wouldn't expect to be seen...but I guess that's because I feel special. so much that I see things that other's over look...anyramble...
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