Again and again and again
I feel run over by a Mack truck. And this isn’t the first time. I think I have a sign on my head that says “Please, fuck with me” that only men can see.
Somehow, I keep ending up in this situation every few months or so. Usually, with the same guy. Over and over again. You’d think I’d learn…
I have had a rocky on and off relationship with B since we “ended” almost two years ago. During one of those off periods I met a great guy, who looking back now had potential. I never gave us a chance, stopping us from having an emotional relationship before it even started, with the backward hope that things would get fixed with B. When I came to my senses (abet temporarily) and realized that B and I were over, I attempted to backpedaled with the other guy; knowing that I fucked up a possible good thing. I tried a few times in fact. Unsuccessfully. I guess it serves me right.
So I ran right on back to the place I shouldn’t have run.
Thus it continued.
On Off On Off On Off….
So now here I am again. Haven given my heart to someone sorely undeserving only to have it ripped out and stomped on. Again.
I should have learned my lesson long ago.
Maybe I should act like a Man. Reverting to our friend Slutty Heidi and use men in a way that serves me…
I guess I am just afraid of being alone. I haven’t gone more than a few weeks in almost 4 ½ years truly alone. I should give up on men for a little while. Actually, be ALONE. Maybe try to make it from now till Jan 1 without anything. No lover, no emotionial attachments, no nothing. Figure myself out. Give myself time to move on with my life. Not just from my old lovers but from PA, as well as from all of the sadness of the past year.
Anyway….
Today it is officially a year since I started my first REAL job. And trust me, my life is no where near what I wanted it to be a little over a year after college and a year into my job. I need a change. A BIG change. A total overhaul. A new job. A new city. An apartment with a couch and a puppy and kitty.
My friends and family tell me that life really doesn’t have to be this hard. Loved ones won't always leave me. People really don’t live in hotels, in a town that they hate. And men aren’t always assholes and won’t always treat me like shit.
Or so I have been told…
4 Comments:
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For what it's worth I still think you're a great person. I always have, and always will. Change can definitely be a good thing. However, the way that life presents us with change can be completely different than what we think it should be.
Why do things such as this keep happening? I think that we share a common flaw - we care too damn much about others, and trust in them to not hurt us. It's hard to love, but even harder to not love...
FWIW, I'm around if you would like to get in touch. You know how. Be strong.
--Ryan
I feel your pain! I have often times said I must have a tattoo on my forehead that says, "fuck with me I enjoy it" and I am the only one that can't see the damn thing! Good Luck!!
I'm just gonna let everything ride and let the chips fall where they may...I stumbled onto your "blog" and am so bored at work while working 3rd shift that time usually spent looking at Jeeps is being spent reading your last years events...It's like reading a diary...but one that could be written by any one of the 30K PSU students who is geniunely honest...I attended PSU for 7 years...I can honestly say, the only way to learn life leasons is to learn them...My 71 year old friend wondered why I would coninuely go back and forth exactly like I am reading in your blog...and it's because I had to learn the hard way...
Thomas...
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