Trying...

Christmas. I usually love Christmas. The presents, the lights, hot chocolate, Christmas trees, and the time spent with friends and family. But this year, this year, I don’t have much Christmas spirit. I guess a few things could be the root of it.

First, this is the first Christmas without B. in 4 years and despite all of the amazingly awful things he put me through (you have no idea), I kind of miss him. And I still haven’t been able to delete his phone number from my cell. I know it should be a relatively easy task. You know, scroll to it, hit options, then delete… easy right? Yeah, well. It’s amazing how much a number can fuck with a gal.

The other reason for my lack of Christmas merriment is this is the first Christmas with out my Dad. Christmas was my Fathers favorite holiday. He always made a HUGE deal about it. Big tree. Lots of lights. Also, he was Santa Clause. No really, he was Santa Clause. He worked at our local community hospital and for over 30 years, every year at Christmas he would dress up as Santa Clause and go visit the workers and the patents. And God, the stories he came back with; the terminally ill child who gave him probably their last Christmas present list or bringing a smile to an elderly patent who didn’t have much reason to smile that Christmas. Besides going around the hospital, people would ask him to come visit their kids, he also did lap duty at a local club, as well as the Christmas pageant at our church. My Dad had a big heart and a great love of Christmas that he loved to share with those around him.

As hard as this all has been, I am trying to make the best of it all. So, I have listened to Christmas music and even sang along! Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly… Fa la la la la la la la la. I sent out Christmas cards. And, I even went on a cookie baking frenzy today. Mmmmm… cookies….

So, I am trying. Really. I am trying.