Jumping In

So here I am, writing this from a coffee shop in Chicago. “Chicago?,’ you say, ‘I thought you were in Indy?” Well, after my weekend in Indianapolis I am now in Chicago. I drove up here after my weekend to look for apartments and jobs. Nick gave me a kick in the head last week telling me that if I am going to make a change in my life I need to do it. It has been two months and that I have been stuck in a rut, not knowing which direction to go and I need to make a decision and do it.

It was good advice.

The weekend in Indy went very, very well. And suddenly I am no longer single. What a weird feeling that is. I haven’t ACTUALLY dated someone in about 2 years. I say B and I were together for four years, which is true, but we didn’t actually call each other boyfriend and girlfriend the last two years of our relationship (and I use that term, relationship, very loosely). Then there was the other relationship (and again I use that term also very loosely) with Hoover, with whom I never actually called my boyfriend either. But with the Coach (this is the new nickname that I have dubbed him, because he coaches a high school basketball team and it’s a better nickname then Missouri) it is very different. He is looking for a serious relationship and would like to see where this with me will take him. The chemistry that we have is fantastic and not something I have experienced so quickly with someone, so I think that this could move very rapidly.

I have to admit, I am a little scared. Ok, I am a lot scared.

This is a guy who actually LIKES me, and freely tells me so. He tells me that I am amazing, calls me beautiful, holds my hand in public and pushes the hair out of my face. And, believe me; I am not used to being treated like that. The mad dash dating and casual fucking with men who mean nothing and never call (which had become part of my life as of late), the crazy attempts to fulfill some need, some emptiness, is suddenly over. And God, I don’t know how to handle it.

Last night when I arrived at Nick’s house after my wonderful weekend, I talked out my fears and panic at the thought of jumping into a relationship with the Coach; and he looked at me and said, “You know Heidi, maybe you should realize that you are good enough to be treated that way.”

I was startled by that.

But the more I think about it, I guess he is right. It’s not that I ever doubted my worth, but after years of disappointment, sadness, and bitterness at just being treated like shit by men, it’s odd for me to be treated well. But I kinda like it.

Nick also told me to go with it, see what happens, don’t try to sabotage my chance at happiness, and by all means, don’t fuck it up. So, I am going to try. God Damn it, am I going to try. I’m going to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and jump in.