Finished

So it is finally over. After a very painful talk yesterday Brian and I are official done. No more break, no more nothing. He told me that he misses his best friend Heidi. I told him he couldn’t have that without the rest. So we are finished. I think I am going down to MD in a few weeks to collect the rest of my stuff and say good bye to him and our cats. (I know I know they’re cats. But they were ours and its going to be hard to never see them again.)

Even though I have known that it was over for a while, it still hurts. A lot. It was all I could do to drag my ass out of bed this morning. I guess in the back of my mind I always thought that it would end up working out. I could have my fun now, but in the end it was him that I would go home to. It was him that I would wake up beside for the rest of my life.

I can’t stop crying. I have always been the strong type, but when it comes to him, he is my Achilles heel. He makes me weak. In some ways that is something that I loved about him because I could be open with him and knew that he wouldn’t judge me. On the other hand I hated how he did that to me. I hate showing weakness. I also hate to fail. Which is what it feels like happened. I tried so very very hard to make our relationship work. To the point where it felt like I was the only one trying. I guess that was part of the problem.

I guess I am tired of being hurt. I was always the one that was hurt. I never hurt him. I want to hurt him now. I want him to ach like I ach. I want him to know what it is like. I want him to feel the pain that I feel. But will I? No. I guess I still care about him too much.

I really just want to crawl into a hole and die. But I can’t. I have two papers due tomorrow (which I haven’t been able to bring myself to write yet and that I already got an extension on them once) and chapter three of my thesis is due on Friday. I guess it’s good that I have stuff to do otherwise I would just stay in bed and not move for a few days. I guess this is what love does to you. Fucking sucks, doesn’t it??