Sex and the Single Girl

Well, well, well, it has been an interesting couple of days. Things with the one guy definitely, ummm… progressed, however they are not going to go any farther. We are both kinda looking for different things. He wants a fuck buddy. I’m not the fuck buddy sort. I’m looking to have a good time but I don’t want to sleep around. I don’t mind the not serious thing (I don’t want to get back into love land light right now anyway) but I do want to be the only one that you are not being serious with. I’m a one person at a time kinda girl, and I’d like to keep it that way. Once you are with me, you are with me. If you want to still look around, fine, I’m totally cool with that. But once you start doing stuff with someone else you can forget coming back to do stuff with me. I’m not playing that game.

Besides with women anytime there is sex involved emotions come into play. I don’t think that we can separate the mental from the physical as well as men do. One night stands are one thing, but once you start doing it with someone on a regular bases, no matter what you may tell yourself, emotions are bound to get involved. Then you run into trouble. I don’t want that.

Now don’t get me wrong, I like being single. And I think it is important that all women get used to the idea of being alone and taking care of themselves. So I am doing that, however, I still like the thought of having someone of the opposite sex to spend some time with and that’s all I really want or am looking for. If things go further then they go further. I’ll just let nature take its course.

A friend once told me that there’s a difference between asserting your sexuality and just being a slut. I guess I’m just going to try to keep on this side of asserting my sexuality and not mosey into slutsville. So I am going to continue to go out and meet guys in the hopes that I find someone who is looking for the same thing I am. That’s the game plan at the moment. We’ll see how it works out.

Living in Singleland

So I have hit an interesting point with this blog… already. I’m stuck about what to write about. Ok, well not totally true, I have a lot to write about however sometimes I feel like I need to sensor myself. I know, I know, hard to believe coming from me. But I feel like I can’t write about certain things because of the way it may affect certain people. Hmmm... just a thought that I'm going to have to figure out a solution to.

Anyway that being said I am finally enjoying single life. After a rocky start in singleland the idea of having relations with boys is starting to look up. Ok ladies, have you ever noticed that boys come into your life in flocks? Nothing for a while then suddenly you have a choice of 2, 3 or 4 different guys. Like when I met Brian there were two other guys that I could have started a relationship with, however the one with him progressed the fastest, so I went with it. The same thing is happening now.

Ok, so I’m not looking for a deep meaningful relationship right now and neither are they (as far as I can tell) but the idea of just having a good time is very appealing. One of the guys is progressing a bit faster then the others so I think I will go with that one for now. If it lasts a few weeks or a few months or even if he never calls me again I’ll be alright. It really is amazing how many guys are here. It’s been a long time since I really noticed. This will be the last time in my life when I am around all guys my own age, I might as well enjoy it while I can. Right now I’m just looking to have fun and experience life. We'll see how it goes.

How to Ace an Interview

So I rocked that job interview! Yeah Me! I went to the info session the night before and felt like I was out of my element, to the point where I thought about not going to the interview the next day. But I had bought a new suit and it would be rude if I didn’t show up so I went. The interview was very informal and they asked questions like “Who or what motivates you?” “When did you first realize that you wanted to do non-profit work?” and “What book would you recommend I read?” The funny part about the last question was that I recommended a book that the interviewer was currently reading! Sometimes I so rock I can hardly stand it! ;-) (The book, by the way, was Manifesta: Young Women, Feminism, and the Future) So at the end of the interview I was asked to go to Philadelphia for a second interview on March 6th. I was shocked to say the least, I didn't think I had a chance to go on to the next round. But Heay I am not complaining. I’m really looking forward to going. Even if I don't get the job it should be a fun day.

So anyway, it’s Mardi Gras and I am planning on going out and making some boy buy me some drinks. But, I have a paper to type and I should get to it. Hmmm… alcohol or paper… alcohol or paper… the eternal college student question. I think I’m going to go with the alcohol and type my paper in the morning. Maybe I’ll even flash my boobs for some beads. Now that sounds like a plan.

Job?? Please??

The next few days could be rather interesting. I am going to an information session tonight for the job interview I have tomorrow. It's for the State PIRG's Office, which are basically non-profit public interest groups. The job would be perfect for me. It would get my foot into the door of the non-profit sector, which is what I want to do with my Women's Studies and English degrees. Well right now it is what I want to do. The pay is absolute shit, $19,500 the first year. As I said, shit. But it has medical benefits, two weeks paid vacation, and help with student loans. So all in all not to bad. I would have to get a waitressing job on the side. But that's ok I've worked two jobs all through college and attended class full time. I think I can manage. So, yeah, I'm really looking forward to the interview tomorrow. I bought a new suit and everything! I look professional AND hot. Hehe. Wish me luck and I will let you know how everything goes tomorrow.

So I am easily amused...

Spam Poetry

It's the English major in me. Enjoy. :-)

I hate men... maybe I should become a lesbian. Or not.

This weekend was rough. I guess I should start at the beginning, Friday. Friday started out great, I got my hair cut and went to the Vagina Monologues with a friend. Then we hit the bars. A friend of mine had been trying to set me up and the guy, we’ll call him G, was going to be there. We had met before and he got me number. Well, he never called. Typical guy stuff so I wasn’t too worried. Well got there and I could tell G wasn’t interested so I was planning to leave it like that and not pursue. Then something happened (more on that later) and I presided to get trashed. I get sort of confrontational when I get drunk so, ummm, yeah the situation turned ugly, I flipped G off and he left shortly there after.

Ok back to the other situation. There was this other guy who I thought was interested that I met through work. We had been flirting for the past few weeks and the situation became “interesting” last Wednesday. (Ask me about it and I will tell you the whole story, it is well worth it) I had told the girls I was out with about the situation and they were amused. We were standing at the bar waiting for our drinks when I turn around and guess who’s there? You guessed it, work guy! Well the girls made me go talk to him. The basic small talk ensued:
Me: “How are you? How’s your weekend?”
His answer: “I’m good, my GIRLFRIEND came up to visit.”
Me: “Your Girlfriend?”
I don’t remember the rest of the conversation. I went back to my friends and told them what happened. They threatened to kick his ass and tell his girlfriend. Thinking back maybe I should have let them. After this is when I sent myself into a drunken downward spiral. And the fore mentioned flipping off happened shortly there after. After all of this, I decided that I hated men and vowed that I had had enough for a while. That was Friday.

Then Saturday. Valentines Day. Woke up hung over (serves me right I know) and not wanting to go to work. But, I dragged my ass out of bed and went. Mid-afternoon purple tulips showed up. For me. From Brian. He knows that tulips are my favorite flower. Well that about knocked me over. My co-workers, also surprised, and I analyzed the situation. Everyone had a different theory. I went home more confused then ever.

Yes, the flowers cheered me up but they also depressed the shit out of me. Do I miss Brian? Yes. Do I still love him? Definitely. The flowers again made me to realize why. When I talked to him about the flowers he said that he knew that I was having a rough time with school and work and that he wanted to cheer me up. I don’t know what it all means. Maybe nothing. Maybe he just really wanted to be nice and cheer me up. But maybe it did mean something. Maybe he misses me and still loves me. Who the hell knows. I sure don’t.

Oh yeah, did I mention that Sunday was Brian’s birthday? Yeah, ‘nough said. I need a drink.

Old Friends

It is strange seeing people from my past. I only live 10 minutes from where I grew up but I could really be hundreds of miles away. Penn State is such a self contained environment that I really don’t see fellow Bellefusions much. And any time I do run into someone I knew from high school we talk about two things:

1) Who is getting married and
2) Who had a baby

We may start out with the niceties but eventually it moves to this line of questioning. It’s funny actually and every time I run into someone new I hear about a person I haven’t even thought of in four years.

This line of questioning will probably continue for the rest of my life. Except now besides running into people from high school I will be also running into people from college. I can see myself in twenty years standing in line at the grocery store talking to someone from my past about who is getting a divorce and who is having grandchildren.

It also seems that as I come close to the end of my college career I am becoming reacquainted with old friends. I went out to dinner with a very old friend last night. The same guy I mentioned before who is getting married. It is the first time I have really talked to him in about three years. Its sad really, we used to be really, really close. We would walk home together and hang out after school. I used to go over to his house and use his computer all the time to type papers. His mom would usually offer me dinner. She made the BEST lasagna. Sometimes if she knew I was coming I think she planed ahead to make it. It was great. He in turn was also very close to my mom. He called her Grammy P. I’m not really sure where that came from but whatever. My mom loved him and thought of him as an extension of the family. Her tall son. He is one of those friends that I miss the most from my childhood. We have a lot of history together. The sad part is that last night could have been the last time we ever hang out together.

He is not the only one of my old friends that suddenly has come back into my life. Another friend who I have known for years just moved back into the area. We also used to be very close. She and I saw each other through some tough spots in our adolescence. I even watched her little brother grow up. He is now a freshman in college. Scary. I have hope of seeing her more frequently then the previously mentioned guy. She is better at returning phone calls. That’s woman for ya. I lost touch with her once I really don’t want to again.

It is odd becoming reacquainted now because I know that we are all heading into the real world shortly. Things are changing so quickly the next thing you know it will be our 20th class reunion and it will be the first time I have seen these people in fifteen years. What a sad thought. But we all know how life takes us all in different paths; that is part of growing up. But, I guess you can never completely let go of where you came from.

"Heidi, Is He Straight?" ~ my Mom

I met with my advisor the other day and figured out the rest of the classes I need to graduate. I schedule them on Monday then I’ll all set. It’s very odd to look at your transcripts and see only a few unfulfilled requirements. Crazy.

The rest of the week went well also. Much better then the past few. We had two snow days this week! I know! TWO! It was all very relaxing. I did absolutely nothing yesterday besides go out to dinner with friends. Another girl and two gay men. It seems that since I am single again I am reclaiming my fag hag roots. I was a HUGE fag hag in high school. My mom always used to ask me if a guy I was going out with was straight or not. She always held out hope that I would meet a nice straight one. She was practically giddy when I started dating straight men. However, I love gay men. There like guys but not, there so much better then straight men. You know that they are not trying to get into your pants so you can let your guard down and just be yourself. Maybe I will just chuck straight men and become “Grace” and just live with a gay man for the rest of my life. Yeah now that sound like a plan.

Monster + Snow = Good Start to the Week

So far this week is going okay. Yeah so it is only Tuesday but so far so good. I went to the movies last night and saw Monster in the new theatre. Finally a twelve screen theatre in State College. It was a good movie and Charlize Theron was excellent. Hollywood made a big deal about how she gained all this weight for the role, well now she just looks normal instead of uberskinny. I guess when you weigh 95lbs gaining 30 is a lot. Whatever.

Today also was a good day. I woke up, took a shower, turned on the TV and found out PSU had canceled all classes. This is only like the 3rd or 4th time that has happened since I have been here. It was great. However I have done absolutely nothing all day and I have a paper due tomorrow and I still have to figure out a thesis topic. I guess I should get started that. Maybe later.

And This Too...

Well this weekend was a total bust. I did go out shopping with some of the girls from SBS Saturday after work and that was a lot of fun but all of my other plans flew out the window. So that kinda put me in a rut. Also every little thing has gotten under my skin. Brian keeps doing this thing where every time I sign onto AIM or come back from being away or idle he signs off. This has happened a few times now. Ok, so I made a promise that I wouldn’t talk to him unless it was important and I intend to keep to it. It hurts me more that he does this then it does to see him on-line. It is really really annoying. And all this has made me want to do is smoke and drink.

So smoking. Yeah, I don’t smoke but occasionally cigarettes look really good to me. I have no idea why, I have never really smoked any. However right now I have the urge. The same thing happened to me last year when Brian and I were having trouble. Instead of smoking though I went shopping and it helped. So with that in mind I went shopping and it didn’t help. If it wasn’t so damn cold I’d go out and buy some. I guess that I should be glad that I hate going out in the cold. Oh well. Hopefully this craving will pass.

Well anyway I guess this whole week has just kinda bit my ass. I guess there is always next week.

Oh by the way, I added a comments section so feel free to tell me what you think on any of the messages.