Ok, so it was an insane weekend and now I am more confused then ever. Let me start from the beginning. As previously mentioned, I was going down to Maryland this weekend to basically say my last good-bye to Brian and collect the rest of my stuff. I held no ill will towards him; I wasn’t angry at all, just sad. This was the end. Well, at least that was the plan.
I left Friday afternoon and got in early evening. That night Brian and I were quiet and calm with each other. We both did not know how to react around the other. I had been since January since I have seen him and we have only talked on the phone perhaps a dozen times with maybe four of those being over ten minutes long. So it was odd seeing him and hearing his voice. Yet, it was somehow nice and a little comforting. I had missed him.
Before we settled in for bed, me on the couch, he asked me if I needed anything. I said a hug and started to cry. Her came over and held me for the longest time and just let me cry. The two of us then just talked for the next hour or so. Most of the conversation revolved around the sadness of the end and our work at planning our lives without each other. He told me that I looked older than he remembered. I told him it had been a rough few months and that will do that too you. We eventually said good night and agreed to talk more the next day after he got home from work.
The next day I went out shopping while he was at work and got to have lunch with a friend who now lives and works in the DC area. That was nice but I was dreading what the afternoon would bring after Brian returned home.
After Brian got home we continued our talk. I had him read my paper that I wrote about him as part of my thesis and he loved it. This started me crying once again. He told me that it was very insightful and captured the beauty of our relationship and also the problems. So we held on to one another and talked about what had gone wrong in our relationship. Much of the blame can be placed on the long distance from each other as well as the trouble with his job. Even though we lived together it felt like sometimes we never saw one another. We just hadn’t tried hard enough.
I left the room briefly and when I returned he took my hand and pulled me towards him and into a hug. He then told me that I was to continue to look for jobs but if I couldn’t find a job or if I found one in the DC area that I had a place to stay come August when I graduate and my lease runs out. He told me that we could try US again if I wanted to.
You seriously could have knocked me over with a feather. I was speechless and if you know me you know that this is a big deal. I was flabbergasted. I told him that I would have to think about it and that he would have to think about it. This was a big deal. I had come down to say goodbye. I was not expecting this at all.
Later after we had talked some more, I found out that he hadn’t either. He, like I had, had started to move on and was enjoying being single. Then he saw me again. The time apart had done us both some good. We both had done some growing. He reiterated the fact that I looked older but also said that I seemed older as well. I sensed a change in him as well. He had become more open minded and seemed more flexible. Case in point: I asked him well this was all contingent on my not getting a job or getting one in MD/DC, what happens if I get a job in Chicago or Seattle or something. He thought about it then told me to give him until October then he would move to wherever I was. This is a huge step for him.
The rest of the weekend went by quickly and Sunday evening I left, after a wonderful day with him Sunday. We went on a picnic and he bought me a Strawberry Julies (one of my favorite things in the world).
So where does this leave me/us? Well, we decided to continue things one day at a time. I am really busy and so is he so we are staying single. We will take it slow and see what happens. Quite honestly I have a lot to think about. Part of me is saying “RUN! Run like the wind as far and as fast as you can!!” The other part of me is saying, “Give it a try. What is there to lose?”
My friends are divided on the subject. Some think it’s bad, that I should run like hell (Some have yelled at me. However, I know that they know where I am coming from. They are in similar boy situations. They will understand.). Others think it’s romantic and that I should go for it. My mom told me that in her mind it is better to try something and end up with a broken heart then to live with the regret of wondering “what if.” I tend to agree with my mom.
I’m going to take this one day at a time. We decided to make a decision in August. Then if we decide to do this we will look for an apartment together. So, do I know what my decision will be? No. I have a few months to think about it. For now, I’m just going to continue along and attempt to graduate. Things will all end up as they should.
