Finished

So it is finally over. After a very painful talk yesterday Brian and I are official done. No more break, no more nothing. He told me that he misses his best friend Heidi. I told him he couldn’t have that without the rest. So we are finished. I think I am going down to MD in a few weeks to collect the rest of my stuff and say good bye to him and our cats. (I know I know they’re cats. But they were ours and its going to be hard to never see them again.)

Even though I have known that it was over for a while, it still hurts. A lot. It was all I could do to drag my ass out of bed this morning. I guess in the back of my mind I always thought that it would end up working out. I could have my fun now, but in the end it was him that I would go home to. It was him that I would wake up beside for the rest of my life.

I can’t stop crying. I have always been the strong type, but when it comes to him, he is my Achilles heel. He makes me weak. In some ways that is something that I loved about him because I could be open with him and knew that he wouldn’t judge me. On the other hand I hated how he did that to me. I hate showing weakness. I also hate to fail. Which is what it feels like happened. I tried so very very hard to make our relationship work. To the point where it felt like I was the only one trying. I guess that was part of the problem.

I guess I am tired of being hurt. I was always the one that was hurt. I never hurt him. I want to hurt him now. I want him to ach like I ach. I want him to know what it is like. I want him to feel the pain that I feel. But will I? No. I guess I still care about him too much.

I really just want to crawl into a hole and die. But I can’t. I have two papers due tomorrow (which I haven’t been able to bring myself to write yet and that I already got an extension on them once) and chapter three of my thesis is due on Friday. I guess it’s good that I have stuff to do otherwise I would just stay in bed and not move for a few days. I guess this is what love does to you. Fucking sucks, doesn’t it??

You’ve Got Soul… Some Bruises & a Broken Foot.

Soul Nite. I love Soul Nite. This is the second time that we have gone. It’s a big night of music, dancing, and socializing with friends. The music is fantastic, my friends are always amazing, and get a few drinks into me and the dancing is a good time also. Even though I think I enjoyed watching E and J dance more then anything. Seriously, you should watch a leggy 6’5” gangly white guy dance. It will make your life complete.

So as the night wore on, after we had had a few more drinks I should add, we were chillin in some chairs when E decided to dance. She grabbed my hand and started to pull me off the chair, well my heels were stuck and down I went along with the chair. I landed on my bad knee. I had trouble walking the rest of the night and I have some kick ass bruises today. Oh well, what we sacrifice for a good time. A guy I know, who works as a massuse, gave me a foot and knee rub. So it was kinda worth it. hehe.

It gets better. So on the walk home, in my case the hobble, E decided to frolic around. Drunk. Well she fell, banged up her knee as well and as we found out today, gave herself hairline fractures on two bones in her foot.

So anyway, Soul Nite was a great time, despite all the injuries. They all happened with laughter and in the mist of some good fun. So, I know where I will be the last Saturday of April. Do you?

Let the Battle Begin!

Elisha loves to procrastinate, but at least she is productive with other things and that's why I love her. So, for the enjoyment of all, ok or maybe just us, a look at our adventures in Boston:Fuck Stick and Twat Burger Battle Boston. Trust me you will be amused.

Mac, Fuck Stick, and Twat Burger Do Boston and Acid…ok so there was no acid

I’m exhausted. It has been a long couple of days with no end to the madness in sight. I guess I should start with this past weekend. I currently have the worst case of senioritis possible. I had chapter two due of my women’s studies thesis due on Tuesday and I had the whole weekend off. Did I start typing it? Well, that would be a big old negative. I started typing Monday night. Did I mention that I was leaving for Boston with friends at 9am Tuesday? Yeah. So I stayed up all night, got about a 20-30 minute power nap, and had my paper in my professor’s mailbox by 8:30 am. I was very proud of myself for getting it written in such record time, yet I think my paper was kinda shitty. Oh well at least that part is done. Now the biggest part is due this coming Tuesday. You think this would mean that I would stay in all weekend to work on it, well then you would think wrong. My goal is to get most of it done on Sunday. That’s the plan at least.

Anyway, I guess I should explain more about the sudden road trip. Something happened (that didn’t involve me but a friend) so myself and another decided to go with our friend to Boston. Well, on kind of a last minute decision on when to leave, we all hopped into the car and headed out for Beantown at about 9am Tuesday morning. It’s not often that I just skip town in the middle of the week. I’m usually too much of a good student (haha) to do something like that. I really should take more road trips; I am only 22 for God’s sake. But, I guess this is what happens when you don’t have a car. Anyway, I got to see a very old and good friend, whom I haven’t seen in over a year, who let all of us crash at her apartment (thanks again B!) and also got to hang out in my second favorite city in the US. (In case you were wondering my favorite city is Chicago, if you haven’t been you should.) I think we all had a good time; it was our second road trip together in about two weeks. Crazy.

So I have gotten maybe 15 hours sleep since Sunday. It is now Thursday. I’m used to about eight hours of sleep a night. So you think I would go straight home from work tonight and go to bed. Yeah, I should, however it is a friend’s birthday so I am going out, but I don’t mind (HAPPY BIRTHDAY H.!!). However, I think I’m going to crash at 6pm tomorrow night and sleep till I have work Saturday morning. Good plan.

Random Thoughts

I think someday’s when I don’t have much to say I’ll just put up a random thoughts section. Yep sounds like a plan.

• So for my job interview they told me that we would find out in two weeks. The two week dead line is tomorrow. I still haven’t heard anything and trust me I have been checking my e-mail every chance I get. My anticipation is growing.

• My family is leaving for Florida today. Without me. I have too much to do for school. Did I mention that there is snow outside? No, I’m not bitter.

• Oh yeah and to top the day off check this out… Why does everything fun cause cancer???

The Sex Part Always Gets in the Way

I think the movie When Harry Met Sally said it best with this famous line “men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.” For the most part this quote is basically true. Yet, over the past few years I have found some exceptions. After much research, I have come up with the four ways that a man and a woman can truly just be friends.

1) He’s taken: This guy is in a very committed relationship and never looks in the direction of another girl. These are a very rare find, but when you do find them they will be extra loyal to you and their girlfriend.

2) He’s your friend’s boyfriend: As any girl knows your friend’s significant other is off limits. Always and forever. These guys know that they have to be nice to you in order to stay on good terms with their girlfriends. But be careful to not get to close to them. This week’s man of your friend’s dreams is next week’s evil boy from hell. Which means you also must be ready to kick his ass at a moments notice. Always remember Sisters before Studs.

3) He’s your ex-boyfriend: You did the dating thing and it didn’t work out. Now later down the line you two can be buddies. The mystery of “what could happen if…” and “I wonder what so-n-so looks like naked?” is gone therefore clearing the path for a meaningful friendship. You are moving forward. Just beware of feelings redeveloping. Yes, it may turn out well but chances are it won’t; then you lost the wonderful friendship that you fostered. This theory also apply to guys you just messed around with and not actually dated. Bye-bye sexual tension hello hanging out and drinking beer.

4) He’s gay: Enough said.

I bet you are asking yourself, “Hey, I have a boyfriend already now I can have male friends. And what about if he has a girlfriend? Huh? What then?” Nice theory but it doesn’t always work like that. I know several guys where putting the moves on another mans girl has never been a problem. Again the movie When Harry Met Sally puts it best:

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.


Boys are difficult but having real friendships with them can be rewarding. As a single girl it is sometimes hard trying to tell whether a guy wants to be your friend or just wants to be your friend long enough to get into your pants. So what do you do? Go with it and try the friend thing and hope one doesn’t fall for the uninterested other? In this situation someone is bound to get hurt. And that someone is usually me. Oy vey.





(btw I caught When Harry Met Sally on TV last week which is why it is stuck in my head. It’s such a great romantic comedy. If you haven’t seen it you should. So, anyway I apologize for all the references.)

A True Friend Will Help You Bury the Body...

I love my friends. They bring out the best in me and have been there for me whenever I have needed them. Seriously, I have some of the best friends a gal could ever ask for. I don’t really have one group of friends but a bunch of individuals that bring me into their own groups. It’s interesting because none of my friends really know each other. Some have met on occasion but my groups really don’t mix much. It's fun and gives me a very different experience each time I go out with a different group.

These friends have come into my life at various points. One of them I have known since kindergarten and is practically a sister to me. Another is so much like me it’s scary and even though I don’t get to see her much, I love her to death and know that she would do anything for me. There are my friends from work who are just an amazing and eclectic group of people. Each with a story and a big heart. Then are the friends from grade school whom I don’t get to see or talk to very often. Yet when we get together it is like no time has passed at all. College has also produced a crazy bunch of friends. The women I have met in the Women’s Studies department are just incredible. It’s is a wonderful feeling to be in a room with a bunch of women who feel exactly the way you do on many social issues. Then there are the ones who I have met in various other classes without whom my life would be very different. Like the woman who was going through the long distance relationship thing that same time I was. We discussed the good points and the bad points and were there for each other during the trials and the tribulations. We broke up with our respective boyfriends within a few months of each other and without her I know it would have been much more difficult. It was good having another person around who really understood. Then throw in some people I meet over the internet, Thespians (who were like a big family to me my first three years here at PSU), and an ex-boyfriend with whom I recently reconnected and there you have my crazy group of friends.

Lately, however, my friends have been having a rough go of it. Death, cancer, boy and girl trouble, depression, suicide, prison, lost jobs, accidents, etc. It’s a lot for a group of people so young. My life hasn’t been picture perfect; I have had more then my fair share of trouble and heartache but some of the things these wonderful people are facing are just horrible. I feel for them all and I do my best to be there for them whenever they need me. ‘Cause I know that they would do the same for me.

So here is a toast to you all; (Raises glass) “To my wonderful friends. May we all get jobs when we graduate, and find love, happiness and success. I love you all. Thank you.” (Takes shot.)

How to be as Horny as a Guy

1) Skip one expendable girlie activity per day. Instead use the time to masterbate. Get good at it. Buy books on technique. Become a sexual dynamo.

2) Every time you go to the bathroom, touch your clitoris. Well hey- they tough their penises! Tell me that doesn’t change their attitude a little bit.

3) In your mind, replace all advertising images made to titillate men with images made to titillate you. Every ad that you see that has a sexy women in it, imagine the ad with a man instead.

4) Ogle men. Check out dude’s bods. Assertively seek out sexy butts, chests, legs, packages, etc.

5) Drink booze and smoke pot.

6) Wear comfortable clothes. How can you be “in the mood” when you’re hobbling down the street in heels with your underwear riding up your butt?

7) Eliminate the fear of STD’s and pregnancy. Keep condoms with you at all times.

8) Get together with your girlfriends and talk about sex and men. Work yourself up then go out hunting.

9) Have orgasms every time you have sex. Before him, with him, next to him, alone in the bathroom, whatever.

10) Watch porn.

~This is by Lady J. and can be found in The BUST Guide to the New Girl Order edited by Marcelle Karp and Debbie Stoller. Grab the book and read more in-depth on each tip. Trust me it is a lot more fun then doing your class work.

We're Taking the Puppy. The Champagne is Optional.

Philly. Spring Break 2004. Elisha, Jason and I headed out Friday night and drove to Philadelphia. We hadn’t made any hotel reservations and the city was booked for the flower show. So Elisha and I had to use our girlish charm (and our cleavage) in order to get ourselves into a room. It worked. Seriously, the Women’s Studies program is going to kick me out one of these days.

Saturday was my interview and it went really well. Do I think I got the job? Well, no. I was there against other applicants from NYU, Penn, Columbia and Dickenson. And they are only hiring about 150 people out of about 1500 second round interviewees. However, the woman representing the political writers approached me and complemented me on my essay. I’ll take that as a good sign. So we will see. They told us that we would know either way in about two weeks. I’ll keep you updated.

Even if I don’t get the job I had a blast in Philly. It was my first time there and it was a beautiful city. Saturday night we all went out and hit South Street. We ate cheesesteaks. Elisha got a tattoo. (Very hot.) Then we all went to a bar and had to drive to NJ for another room.

Sunday we went back to the city and visited the Kimmel Centre for the Performing Arts. It is a beautiful building and they had a wonderful Irish music group performing. A little kid got up and danced around. It was seriously one of the cutest things I have ever seen. We also went to the Rocky steps and I resisted the urge to dance around. Trust me it was hard to do.

Every time I go to a city it strengthens my resolve to move to one. I’m even thinking of actually living within the city limits and not in the suburbs. I figure I’m young, I like cities, and I might as well do this while I have the chance. I love the lifestyle and the culture that abounds in a city. It’s definitely different then Bellefonte and State College. And I think that is exactly what I need.


PS: A really big Thank You to both Elisha and Jason for getting my ass to the city. You two are the best.

Blast from the Past

Ok, so it is odd that I mentioned Jason in my last blog cause guess who just made a reappearance in my life? You guessed it! Our mutual friend thought it would be a good idea to invite both of us out without telling the other person. I get to my friends house and she tells me that my ex will be making an appearance at the bar later that night. This was a guy I hadn’t really talked to in three years. Trust me I was less then thrilled. Between this and the easy lesbian thing she is getting close to ass whooping… ;-)

Anyway, so I guess I should give some back story before I dive any farther in to this story. I met Jason freshman year through the previously mentioned mutual friend. It then turned out that he was pledging thespians so we started hanging out. On thing led to another and after he realized that I wasn’t a lesbian (thanks again E.), we started dating. We only were together a few weeks and he turned into an ass, which he now readily admits, so we broke it off... finals week. I ended up bombing my Astro test but at least I didn’t sleep through mine like he did his 8am. Haha. So anyway, after this all happened I went out and got a tattoo. And just to clear this up, NOT JUST BECAUSE OF HIM! I had contemplating it for a while and the break up was just good motivation. So there.

Ok back to the story. So he shows up and it surprisingly wasn’t that awkward. We ended up chatting most of the night, then he came over and I cooked him Mac and Cheese. It was a good night. I think it will be nice to be friends with him. It’s been so long since we dated and we are very different people now so I think a friendship could be possible. And he is coming to Philly with me and our mutual friend this weekend. Should to be interesting.

Speaking of which, my second job interview is this weekend! Hopefully I’ll do as well at this one as I did at the last. I’ll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck!

The Game

I hate the Game. I have only been playing it for two months but already I loath it. You others in SingleLand know what I am talking about. The dance you do around others of the opposite sex when you are out on the prowl. I think my problem with the Game is that I am not really that good at it. I approach the target, play around for a little bit and get a feel for the guy. If it is going well then maybe I will pursue it and see said guy again. If not, then I let him go and move on. So far I have had about four guys that in my opinion moved onto level two. All of these options have come about in the past month or so. At first I was REALLY bad at the Game and had no options but now I’m starting to get the hang of it.

Now of those four guys, one was nice but not interested, one has a girlfriend (well HAD a girlfriend) and upon breaking up with her a week later immediately tried to get into my paints the next time he saw me. Ok well get me into HIS pants. Number three was nice at first but again all he wanted was a fuck buddy. Then the latest who was actually very nice and appeared interested but seemed to shy to pursue anything despite my attempts at drawing him out. I think he may turn out to be too much trouble but I will give him another go. So he is not a complete failure yet. All of these guys were pursued over several meetings ranging from a few days to a few weeks. Now four guys may seem like not very many but if you think about it, that comes out to about a guy a week. It’s exhausting!

Now you may be asking why I am even bothering. I guess I am not so sure. My friends have been very willingly throwing new guys in front of me. And trust me I don’t mind. I’m a Women’s Studies and English major of God’s sake. The only men I meet in Women’s Studies are either gay or very, ummm… odd. And the men in the English department tend to be really pretentious and the few good ones are taken. Also, it’s interesting to see who your friends put before you. Except the one friend that is throwing me the guys is also telling them I’m easy. Oh and then she tells them that I am a lesbian. This confuses the guys and gives me more of a challenge to make these guys realize that I am straight and not that easy. She did this to me freshman year when she introduced me to my then soon to be boyfriend, Jason. She told him I was a lesbian and it took me two weeks to subtlety convince him otherwise. My friend has a sick sense of humor. Good thing I love her or I’d have to kick her ass. :-)

So anyway, why am I bothering? I guess I like the thrill of the hunt. Also the hope that one of these times it will pay off. As I have said before I’m not looking for anything serious, just really to have a good time. And I like men. I like hanging out with men. I used to have a lot of male friends but not so much anymore. Ok, ok so I guess secretly I sometimes really like the Game. The times when I meet a new guy and things seem to be going well. It’s fun. So I guess for now I will keep playing and maybe sometime it will pay off.

Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty...

Yeah, so I was bored and I miss my cat Sam so I added a cat to the corner of the page. And guess what? You can play with him! His name is Neko and if you click on him he will chase your mouse around the page. Click him again and he will go back to his corner and take a nap. Good times. Neko may not be here long but I find him amusing for now. Have fun.

That's Right I Go To A Party School

I seem to be turning into a bar fly. I went out way to much last week, Tuesday: Mardi Gras, Thursday: Saloon for a friends 21st, Friday: Sharkies, and Saturday: Darkhorse and then Soul Night at the University Club (a blast, I highly recommend). I’ve never been out that much in a week. I’m still trying to catch up on my sleep. I finally feel like I’m a real college student. I think I’m now going through my party stage that most people go through early on in their college career. I never really saw the point before, but now I’m going out and doing stuff I never thought I would do. So, what changed? Not really sure. I guess I’m just enjoying my freedom and figure this is the last time I will get the chance to be young so I might as well try whatever comes my way. I don’t want to look back at college and regret not doing anything. In my opinion it’s better to do something and regret it then to not do something and regret it. However, I’m really not one to regret my actions. I figure I made the choice I might as well live with the outcome. So here’s to living my life. Come what may.

PS: Where did February go?